OCD – afraid of blinding yourself

For most of the people who do not suffer from it, OCD means a kind of cleaning obsession – we often see people in TV shows who are obsessed about cleaning their homes, so that’s what OCD means right?.

Yes, there’re a lot of people who’re afraid of germs and contamination, but then Obsessive Compulsive Disorder has “much more to offer”: the fear of blinding yourself or the fear of jumping off a cliff (click on the link to see one of my previous articles about the call of the void).

Today, I’d like to share with you one of the scariest obsessions I’ve ever had: the fear of blinding myself.

Yes! You’ve read that right: I used to be afraid of gouging my eyeballs out. You may ask yourself how this fear is even possible – yet, I’m pretty sure that there are a few OCD victims out there who’ll totally understand it.

So how did this whole thing start?

This terrible obsession started when I was a teenager(high school freshman). I got my first pair of contact lenses and I’d just put them in – accidentally hurting one of my eyes. And that was it. An intrusive thought came to my mind: what if next time, I won’t hurt myself by accident but I’ll do it intentionally?

And this is perfectly enough for a person with OCD. Because after having an intrusive thought, you’ll also start having certain rituals to prevent it – such as asking your family members to tie your arms before you go to sleep, so you’d not be able to gouge out your eyeballs.

Furthermore, I also started to avoid wearing contact lenses – as putting them in seemed to be an extremely dangerous situation to me.

So, I used to be afraid of blinding myself, but I’m proud to say that I’d managed to overcome my fear. I’d be a hypocrite if I said that I’d been able to do that on my own – it’d been far more complicated than that.

How did I manage to overcome my fears?

I got used to them – ooph, yeah, I know that doesn’t sound really nice and one wouldn’t want to live with one’s intrusive thoughts for years and years but as the time goes by, it’ll get better and better. The first time when you experience the extreme fear of gouging out your eyeballs (or any other similar fear), you’ll probably be in severe distress, but then the second time will be much easier – and after a couple of panic attacks, you’ll be able to handle it much better.

I started facing my fears: asking your family and friends to tie your hands so that you’d not be able to hurt yourself is obviously not the best solution, because you should be independent and you shouldn’t rely on other people to help you manage your OCD – so the best thing you can do is to actually put yourself into a situation that you think is “dangerous” – it’ll be extremely scary at the first time, but then, as for my experience it does help a lot. 🙂

Sometimes, I wonder if my OCD will ever be cured – and my honest answer to this question is that I simply do not know. But one thing that I know is that every person who’s suffering from OCD is able to take back control and to live a happy life, even if they continue having intrusive thoughts. 🙂

I really hope that you’ll find my story helpful – I’m not a psychologist and obviously, I’ll never be able to tell you how to cure yourself from OCD, but I really think that it’s important to know that you’re not alone. There’re millions of people who’re suffering from this terrible illness and who understand your feelings, fears and pain.

Further Reading

Please do not hesitate to share your personal stories in the comment section! 🙂

19 thoughts on “OCD – afraid of blinding yourself

  1. My worst night of OCD was when I thought I was going to cut my hand off with the chop-saw in the basement. I was so certain I was going to do it and so terrified, I took a garden tool to the basement and cut the power cord to pieces. So I totally understand your fear of self harm. Once it’s stuck in your head it seems like a certainty. Happily I was able to repair the saw after my therapist convinced me that the thought was just a thought and I wasn’t going to follow through.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I can perfectly understand the feeling – I used to have a lot of similar ones in the past and it’s extremely distressing. And as you say, there’s a point when you’re just certain you’re going to do it. 😦
      Luckily, me too I’m doing slightly better nowadays. I still have these kind of thoughts sometimes but I’m much better at controlling them.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Wow! I’ve been searching for something like this for years! I did EMDR therapy in in 2017 and the fear of my gouging out my eyes has been huge since, yesterday I finally made the connection that it’s becusee its EYE movement therapy. I was sure I’d end up doing it. And after getting pregnant, my OCD spiked and the fears have changed from using objects to doing it with my own hands (read things I shouldn’t have over the years). Sometimes it’s using a sharp razor to cut my eye or papercut on the eye and sometimes the fear gets so strong, I feel I’m gonna end up doing it. I assume you know that feeling?! Could we talk more on this subject privately? I’ve never found anyone with this particular issue and it’s such a relief. It’s a lonely obsession to have.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Kelli,
      I am sorry to hear about your fear 😦 and I can totally relate: at the beginning, I was afraid that I would use different objects to damage my own eyes and later I would end up being terribly scared that I would gouge out my eyeballs. So I perfectly know the feeling and I am glad to read that you have found my post helpful – it is good to know that we are not alone with this terrible fear.
      And of course we can talk privately on this subject, I am sure it would help both of us. Please e-mail me: markwester92@gmail.com

      And yes, it is a very lonely obsession to have because a lot of people do not understand it – like it is absolutely irrational but at the same time, it is terrifying.

      Looking forward to talking to you

      Blessings

      Mark

      Like

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