Scared to let go of my OCD

Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder has always reminded me to obstacle racing. You manage to overcome one obsession, but another one will soon appear.

It really is like a never ending story full of obstacles. And this story is much scarier than any horror movie I have ever seen. At least, in the movies you can run away from the monsters, but escaping from the prison of your own mind is definitely not that simple. You can try to run away but believe me: it will not work. OCD is a demon that you have to fight, even if it is a difficult thing to do.

I usually share techniques that could help people overcome their OCD or at lease ease their anxiety. But today’s post is a little bit different. And apologies in advance if it will not make too much sense. I just feel that I need to write about the way I am feeling at the moment.

Letting go of my OCD

I have been living with OCD for most of my life and over the years I have seen many faces of this terrifying mental disorder. I have been able to overcome a lot of different obstacles: I used to be afraid of blinding myself, harming my loved ones or jumping off a cliff. And I can say that most of these obsessions are gone.

And over the years, I have learnt to deal with most of my obsessions and compulsions but there’s one thing that I have never been prepared for: the fear of letting go of my OCD.

And I mean it is pretty obvious why I have not been prepared for this. Because if you think about it, this fear sounds absolutely crazy. Why would anyone be afraid of getting rid of a mental illness? Reading this you may even think that I have lost my mind. But…the more you think about it, the more it makes sense.

Running out of fears?

Obsessions and compulsions can change or can be replaced by others over time. And the little OCD monster never sleeps.

I do not only have OCD but I am also suffering from Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD). But lately, I have been feeling a lot better. I started worrying much less about the things that I used to worry about and I started feeling much more relaxed. And ironically, this is exactly what started fueling my OCD.

In my case, this new feeling of calmness meant the beginning of a new obsession:

What if I do not care about anything anymore?

There are a lot of things that I want to achieve in life. I have a lot of plans. There are a lot of places that I would like to visit and things that I want to do. But the little OCD monster never sleeps and it has planted the seeds of doubt in my mind:

Why have you been so relaxed lately? What if you’re not motivated enough? You have not worried about your job for a long time. What if it means that you do not care about it anymore? What if you are lazy and you just simply do not want to work anymore? What if you do not want to achieve anything in your life? What if one day you just do not want to get up in the morning? What if you will never enjoy your life again? Okay, at the moment, you think you’re enjoying yourself but what if you’re lying to yourself?

So again. The typical “what if’ questions. And most of them are pretty easy to ignore because I have gotten used to these kind of thoughts over the years. But OCD is a very evil monster and it has other questions to me. Questions that are much more terrifying:

Are you sure you really want to let me go? Remember. You used to be much more motivated when we were together. And nowadays, it seems that you do not think too much about me anymore. You have not managed to escape from me but we definitely spend much less time together. Do you not think that this could be the reason why you have become much less motivated? Do you not miss me? What if you do? If you overcome your obsessions and compulsions, you will not be the same person anymore.

Dealing with a jealous partner without breaking up

At this point, you may be thinking that I have totally lost my mind. Because comparing OCD to a jealous partner is absolutely sick. I know. But in the past couple of days I have realized that OCD was pretty much like a jealous partner. The OCD monster will go crazy if you see other people (have pleasant thoughts) or if you ignore it. And the worst thing is that you can not break up with this monster because it is living inside of you.

But one thing you can do is learning how to handle it and recognizing when it tries to manipulate you

Finally: Life is almost like a fairy tale

The Beast let Belle go. But Belle decided to stay. And the Beast turned into a handsome prince.

I have always believed that life was like a fairy tale. And Beauty and the Beast are one of my favorites. Belle and me do not have too many things in common. But I can totally relate to her because I have my own Beast: OCD. And we live together in the castle of my own thoughts.

Will the beast ever let me go?

I do not think so. But one day, this beast could turn into a prince. When I was a teenager, it used to be terribly difficult for me to manage my OCD. But it has gotten a lot better. And I am sure that one day, all the scary obsessions will turn into something much more beautiful.

Okay, now that I have just finished writing about my feelings, I can tell you that I am feeling a lot lot better. And writing about your emotions is something that I can recommend to all of you. It really helps a lot.

Thank you for reading

Mark Wester

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